I am nearing the end of my college career. Well, it’s basically over. I did not realize this until I went to the bathroom in my final class the other day. As I walked through the hallway, relieved by my suspension from boredom, I thought to myself, “This is my last undergraduate bathroom break.”
This is what bittersweet feels like. In college, you don’t have as many people to share these moments with. Your friends are hardly ever in your classes. The community is not the same as it is in high school. Not everyone is driving out of the parking lot together, celebrating the termination of a school day. Not everyone stops in the halls to converse.
At least, this is how it is, or was, at my school. But even at my other college, the classes were completely devoid of the community that permeated high school. Partly for this reason, and partly because they are by far the most boring part of my day, classes are my least favorite part of college. If I could do college without the classes, I think I’d have it made.
The problem with classes is their philosophy: more work. The more time something takes to do, the better. If you are not wasting you’re time away on an assignment, then you are not making the most of what the professor is trying to teach. This, I will not miss.
Everything about college is made to be so dreamy. And many parts of it are. But this dreaminess lasts maybe a month into the first semester. The rest may simply not be enjoyed (I’m exaggerating here), for all that weighs on your mind takes you away from the present moment.
I thought about this recently: colleges should be teaching mindfulness, because though we are supposedly in our “golden years,” we are not able to enjoy them. We may be here physically, but mentally, we are with the essay that’s late, the assignment that’s due, the project we must complete, and the presentation tomorrow. I mean, it’s no wonder kids smoke weed and get drunk. How are they supposed to cope with all this shit?
I’m not saying work is any better, and it’s not, but at least when you’re done working, you’re done. There is nothing else that could weigh on your mind.
In school, however, something always has a grasp on you. And the only way most students see fit to deal with this grasp is by distraction.
Either way, there are things I will miss. I know it hasn’t yet hit me.
Though these years have been the most confusing and lonely of my life, I am grateful for what the pain made me. And I have, in fact, made many life-long friends.
These people are what I will miss the most. Luckily, many of them will remain in Charleston, at least for another year.
I think that’s what worries me most about these upcoming years. People will settle down, get jobs, become less available, move to different states, and become more “grown up.” It’s already happening. Trying to put a trip together with a group of friends is like trying to coordinate a deft assault on an enemy force. And trying to “hang out” with friends when I’m home is like trying to get a fuckin job interview.
I am worried, indeed, that life will only get lonelier.
I don’t think it will, though. I am excited about what lies on the horizon.
In a little more than a month, I will be living in a van. Part of me still doubts the validity of this plan. Would it not be better to simply travel the world?
But I do hate flying. And I don’t have my passport, so it’d be pretty difficult for me to travel outside the country this summer.
More than anything, I just want to do cool stuff with cool people. Maybe I should work in the mountains or something.
I guess what I fear most is moving on from this community that took so long to build. I see what’s out there, in the real world, and it looks pretty desolate. But I think that’s because I’m looking at the fake world. I don’t want a corporate job, where “relaxing” is lying on the couch and watching TV, and weekends are drinks at a friend's apartment followed by a night out. Fuck that.
I want to live amongst nature, with people who are cool with waking up at the crack of dawn to see the sunrise, listen to the birds, drink a coffee, eat a mango, and go surfing. I completely reject the traditional path.
I have no interest in cultivating a life that I am not excited to wake up for. I just want people to wake up excited with.