Morning
On some days, you wake up already ready for the day to be over.
They say you should be able to be present regardless of your external circumstances, but this isn’t so easy for young people. Our minds are not yet fit to endure the world’s many stressors.
Perhaps it is the process of dis-enjoyment that makes life enjoyable. Perhaps we must be beaten down before we’re built up. Perhaps we must be taken away from the present in order to appreciate it.
I love school and everything it’s brought into my life, but it bears down upon me like a freight train.
Some people seem to be able to study for hours.
I cannot; I suspect it’s because what I want to do with my life is entirely unrelated to school.
Some of my mentors might say it’s unhealthy not to be able to feel peaceful when things bear down upon me, but I can’t help it.
It’s easier to speak from a state of peace when your external circumstances are at ease. I’ve perpetrated this law before, too, though. Like with my little brother: I’ve tossed advice at him when all he needed was to feel loved and accepted.
I don’t know . . . Pressure does get to me sometimes. It’s all self-imposed, but I think it’s a fallacy to say we should be able to accept things without worry. We are humans, and humans have emotions.
To say we are doing wrong for feeling a certain way is to stoke the chaos within.
It’s a beautiful day here in Charleston. Those wispy clouds are becoming more distinct. We could use some rain.
I’ve been out of soccer for nearly a month or so now. Life has been more peaceful in one way, but in another, I’ve just made room for me to worry about other things.
Perhaps it was not the burden of soccer that bothered me so much, but my perception of having to play soccer.
I don’t yet know if I’ll return.
I went out to Saltwater Cowboys last night with my friends. Instead of thrusting ourselves into the cesspool moshpit of the deck, we instead sat around in the gravel on some chairs and talked. It was nice.
I think part of the reason I’ve felt so rushed recently is because we’re always moving when we’re out. It’s nice to just be able to sit down and converse with friends.
I felt more like a part of the community. It’s a weird thing to say, I guess, but it’s nice to be immersed rather than drowned. Like, I felt like I was in Charleston. I could see people walking around and conversing; a couple of girls in the parking lot moved their surfboard from their roof to the inside of their car so nobody stole it when they went in. Subtle experiences like this make me feel more immersed in this Lowcountry corner of the world.
All this running around, like many people do when they’re on vacation, undermines the immersion experience. Everything is to get to the next thing.
We do live in such a frantic culture. I don’t like it. Of course, as with everything, this stems from within. I will feel less frantic when I take care of the shit that weighs on me in my life.
Evening
I decided to stop my journal and do the shit that was weighing on my mind. I feel better now.
Everything for school is due tomorrow. I can make it through this. I’ve done all the work I could do today. Each second more I stare at my essay is a second less I want to live. Just kidding.
I’ve found this journaling process rather healing. I’ve been so stuck with my words these past couple of weeks.
Opening the gates for any and everything has taken a lot of pressure off me, and I’ve actually received some positive feedback on my letters for the first time in a while.
I still find myself wanting to “make an impact” with my writing, but every time I try to distill some sort of lesson, I find (1) the writing process is not nearly as enjoyable, (2) my writing quality deteriorates, and (3) people don’t enjoy reading my words as much.
I want to convey powerful ideas that help other people, but I’m finding more and more that this comes from sharing, not prescribing.
The day has been glorious. The sun is setting, the clouds have dissipated, and the air is crisp, though not too cool to be shirtless.
I’m excited for these coming weeks. I will soon graduate college. What a journey it’s been!
I will cherish these times, and I will certainly miss them, but I do look forward to what lies on the horizon. I feel like this next year will feel relatively the same, except that I will have no perpetual burden of homework.
We’ll see. The adults in my life tell me there will always be obligations. I hope to challenge this decree.