12:00 AM
It is a frustrating thing that I cannot write as I walk because it is often when my legs are moving that I’m most inspired.
But there are ways to recover this inspiration.
I don’t know what’s been going on with me . . . Something, indeed.
A despair has pervaded my experience as of late, and I don’t entirely know its source.
More than anything, or at least right now, I believe it is a yearning to be understood. For though I have many friends, and many too who do indeed understand my upper layers, I have none in my life that get me to the core.
Well, see now, that’s not entirely true. But it often feels so.
And I think many of us go about life in this way, this way of seeing the world in a way that is painted by our emotions rather than by how things really are.
I don’t really want to be writing right now, but I feel I should, as I don’t really have anyone to talk to.
It’s late at night, and I feel misunderstood.
I am the type of person that needs other people to pry me open.
I despise very much when I am suffering, and people commence to tell me their stories rather than make space for me to bleed.
It is both a great and not-so-great thing to lose touch with the pain that once held fast to you.
These people will tell you they’re there for you and to go get help, but they won’t just be with you.
4:05 PM
And like that, a hope has been restored.
I want to capture this moment.
For several days, especially yesterday, my outlook became bleak.
I didn’t know what it was, and I sort of have an idea now.
It was that I had lost hope of the good life I was after. And many things go into the conglomeration that makes our outlook . . . Everything from the weather to the potential for our dreams to come true to the quality of our relationships to the anticipation of good times ahead.
All these things come together to infuse us with a degree of positivity that pervades our every perception.
And for the past several days, I had lost sight of the things that make my outlook positive.
And it’s weird how some things just come together again to restore this outlook.
I don’t think this—losing sight of those things that make an outlook positive—is such a bad thing; I’ve realized, in fact, that this is just how I am . . . It is how my subconscious works.