My problem with women

A post for men, like myself, struggling with chastity and commitment

Thanks for tuning in. Today, I address a relatively vulnerable and, not to mention, potentially crude subject, so if the whole “sex before marriage” discussion isn’t your cup of tea, I recommend skipping over this one.

Life is getting pretty cool.

As of writing this, I’m now ranked 39th rising in the philosophy category on Substack.

Woohoo!

And I now know how to sell life insurance, so I can truly, regardless of how long it takes my writing to generate income, work remotely. And I’ve now become rather Christian . . . which I did not anticipate in the slightest.

I’ve been writing about faith a lot, though I’ve been doing my best not to, because I know the last thing many people want is, I don’t know, to be preached at by some bum on Substack. But I can’t help it.

While it’s not like I’ve become some Roman Catholic priest, the fact is that faith is just a part of my world now. I cannot see things, I cannot articulate things, without it.

Admittedly, I find the intensity with which I’ve adopted it all rather suspicious on some days . . . I wonder to myself, is this just a facade? Is this really something I hold closer to my heart than all else? Or is this just something I’m flaunting? Something that’ll burn out one day?

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The reason I’m so suspicious, to get right to the point, is women.

Now, they didn’t do anything. Women are fine and dandy. It’s me that’s got the problem. I’ve got to sort out my relationship with women.

And don’t get me wrong: I’ve got a great relationship with women. Some of my best friends are women:

From our recent dance.

I’m talking here about my romantic relationship with women. Or a woman.

Both because I’m shy and because I’ve had such a turbulent time since graduating from college last year, I’ve not really had any romantic encounters in a good while. (The fact that I’ve become “so Christian” in this time, I estimate, is no coincidence whatsoever.)

As a result, I’m not sure I can confidently say I’ll hold up to the Christian doctrine when rubber meets the road . . . I’m not so sure I could “save myself for marriage.”

Of course, I’ve already sinned in this department, but I am right now more or less of a born-again virgin. (It’s not really like this was a conscious, voluntary decision, though. LOL . . . I guess it is true, on the other hand, that I’ve not been “putting myself out there” as much.) And because God has “come into my life” in this time of voluntary/not-so-voluntary chastity, I’m currently being forced to reevaluate, to take a closer look at my relationship with romance before making my next move.

It’s easy for me, at this point in my journey, to be like, “Yup, I’m holy now! No women for me! I’m waiting for the one! ‘Cus I’ve become super-duper Christian!”

But I am not at this moment being tempted. And while it’s not like I was ever big into hookup culture, I also never really dated anyone (except for my 6th grade girlfriend, of course!) with the intention of getting married.

The second I meet a girl I truly like, which tends to happen once every couple of years, my brain is gonna go AWOL. Not in an obsessive way, but in a, am I actually gonna wait until marriage? type of way . . . I’ll think to myself, “If I really like this girl, and I think I’m gonna get married to her (or not!), what’s the point in waiting!!?? Can’t I just, like, take a loan out today and pay it back after the fact? Can I borrow from future me? Put tonight ‘on account’ to be indemnified interest-free in a few years, after I get married?”

In my bones, you see, I know I’m not committed to chastity. I call myself a Christian, but I would almost undoubtedly fold if the opportunity came. I know I am weak in this department. And I know I still have this deep-rooted dream to sail the seven seas like Jack Sparrow.

The thing is, though, that I don’t really get to hand-select which Christian tenets I abide by. Because I’ve now turned to God. Not because of women, but because I’ve suffered. And so, if I’m really to do this, don’t I have to go “all in?” It’s not like I’m never gonna sin again, but the fact is that I’m pretty well aware of what the rules are.

This isn’t the farmer’s market, you know. I can’t forgive that jackass who just cut me off in the Name of the Lord and simultaneously let loose later that night at the club.

Of course, I could always just hop back onto the “religious” market and find a practice that best suits my urges . . . But we all know that’s not how it works. At least, not if you’re being honest with yourself.

I’ve opened a door I cannot close. There is no way for me to forget all I’ve experienced recently. There is no way for me to negate the fact that the Bible, quite simply, makes sense. Not to mention, there is no way to negate the fact that Christianity brings into my life a sort of love I’ve never experienced elsewhere. An endless, bountiful love—one worth far more than a couple of fun nights.

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Now that I think about it, I reckon that if I meet the right girl, she’ll probably be Christian too, and she’ll probably be on a similar journey to me, and in turn won’t be tugging at my belt every weekend, making this process a whole lot easier for myself.

But shit! This is never what I intended. I never intended, not even once, to consider waiting. I don’t feel so different right now from that one person who’s like, “Yeah, never thought I’d work in life insurance, but here I am!” (That’s me as well right now, btw.)

Nevertheless, for how my life has been going as of late—this season of quiet I’ve been in—it seems that God is tidying me up for something special. It seems God is keeping me away from women right now.

It’s true: much of this is out of my control. I can’t control whether it just so happens one day that I turn a corner full speed into my one and only. Or whether some beautiful woman tries to seduce me (lol, idk if that’s gonna be a problem of mine anytime soon).

Still, would I really be able to keep it together? I don’t think so, if I’m being honest.

It’s easy to talk shit from the sidelines. But the fact is that I’d be fighting demons if I took the field.

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I intended for quite some time to be something like Andrew Tate. A top g. I intended to root myself in hookup culture. In fact, I said to my friend earlier this year, “I think I just need to have some fun for a while . . .” And she said, “Yes, king, why don’t you!”

I thought I wanted quite simply to meet as many women as possible, giving myself away free of charge, and sometime down the line, after I’d spread myself across the globe, and harbored hundreds of millions of dollars, have children, perhaps with various women (yeah, okay buddy).

The extent to which I was serious about this—the extent to which I had altogether given up on monogamy—I’m not exactly sure. I know I wasn’t totally serious about it. But I also wasn’t necessarily unserious about it.

After listening to all the “experts,” indeed, I had sort of given up on marriage. Would you jump out of a plane if there was a 50% chance the parachute wouldn’t open?? Not to mention, because Andrew Tate offered a sort of clarity and renewed perspective on why things were the way they were—why women acted the way they did (I’m speaking generally here, people), and why I was struggling to meet women “up to my standards,” and really, why I had been burned by certain girls—I was rather long on polygamy (and one-sided polygamy, at that).

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But the further I go in this journey of mine, the clearer the Truth becomes.

There is quite a lot of talk these days (though I think it’s died down recently) about how bad a decision marriage can be. We’ve all heard it before. And to be honest, I’ve had, and probably still have, “commitment issues.”

I mean, do you think it’s any coincidence I’ve opted to try and build this newsletter? Or sell life insurance remotely? I don’t want to be tied down!

But I think I’ve made a mistake. I think I’ve conflated commitment with captivity. I don’t know how, though, because I’ve long known that discipline is the key to freedom.

The thing about this all right now is that I’m in no place to get married. I have no money. I have no stability. I have nothing to offer a woman besides humor. And a body hand-carved by the divine.

I must wonder—I’ve been wondering—then, how and why should I date if I’m in no place to get married? Wouldn’t this aimless pursuit for a partner with whom I could not viably form a covenant inevitably lead me to temptation?

It sure flippin’ would!

So what am I supposed to do?