Why I haven't believed in myself

The problem with too much opportunity

I want to start living my life more fearlessly. More faithfully.

I’ve done a good job so far at trying to chase my dreams, trying to do what I want to do with my life, trying to live each day according to who I am, and not who I want others to think I am. But I’m not yet there. I’ve not yet done it. And while it’s true that I have taken some risks, I’ve not gone all in.

Because I’ve not let go.

If you asked most people whether or not they were living courageously, whether or not they were “being themselves” no strings attached, I think the lot of them would respond with a firm and confident, potentially oblivious, yes. But I see now, after what I’d call years of passive though intentional introspection, how good we are at deceiving ourselves.

Now, I’m not saying it’s bad to be scared. Because it’s actually quite natural. What I’m saying is that a life guided by unconscious fear, fear we don’t make ourselves aware of for one reason or another, is not the sort of life we’re designed to live. And I think, because I’ve observed it in myself—and how obscure these fears can make themselves—that the majority of people, despite the fact that they’d likely say otherwise, are walking around in this world unaware of the fact that much of their behavior is a series of habits, or instances of hestitation and ultimate inaction, intended to avoid some (un)perceived danger.

Why is this, I wonder? I can really only speak for myself here, as I am my only case study . . . So why haven’t I unwaveringly believed in myself? Why haven’t I trusted in God through and through to lead and provide for me along the path He set me on? Why have I only ever jumped if I knew there was a backup parachute? (For the record, I’d never jump out of a plane, no matter how many backup parachutes I had.)